No More Darkness

I changed the looks of my blog as you can well see. I did it for a reason. Something in me is changing, not just physically but also spiritually. I am not saying that what was inside of me was dark, but when I looked at the dark color of my blog it suddenly felt ... well, repressive. I am on a journey of freedom, freedom from addiction. Addiction is a physical issue that has deep spiritual roots. The Bible says that in Christ there is no darkness. The darkness of my blog needed to change to reflect that very thing.
I had an awesome day today. I walk 5.8 miles with a lot of ups and downs. My great friend Tim and I went out Geacaching (http://www.geocaching.com/). As we huffed and puffed up and down the trails all I could think about was what this was going to be like 150 pounds lighter!!! I can't wait.

Food and Emotions

I am an emotional eater. Emotions are the force behind what we feel. First we have the thought or perception of a situation, then emotion follows as an expression of what is being internalized. If I feel sad my emotions can range from facial expressions, such as a frown, to crying. If I feel happy my emotions can range from a facial expression, such as a smile, to crying. It is our emotions that allow us to create. So emotion is a verb, it is the action of what is being felt inside. All of us have a base line that we call normal. It is different for each of us but this base line is where we are at emotionally at any given time when we feel whatever normal is for you. Throughout our day we will emotionally move around this baseline depending upon what it is that we are internalizing about our perception of the situation. The higher the anxiety we feel, the more expressive our emotions can become. Somehow, for some of us, there is a link between our emotional reaction and hunger, the feeling that I need food. I know that there is a reason that they call it “comfort” food. When I am in a high state of emotion I become very hunger and the craving is for something high in fat and calories, a cheeseburger fits the bill perfectly. Yesterday something happened to me that cause a high state of anxiety and emotional sadness. It was the very first time since I started fasting that I was truly hungry. So much so that I had to go into the garage away from everyone to gain control of this experience. I know I could not eat, I would not eat, but “Oh my GOD!” and not the expression, that was a prayer! I am not sure what the answer is and I would like to hear your thoughts about this. As I perceived through the hunger, drank water, and utilized some of the stress management techniques I teach my firefighters and police officers I was able bring myself around. But it was so hard, I want to eat so I could feel better. So tell me what you think, if you do this, what have you done to deal with it? Let’s see if we can help each other out.

Spiritual Encounters

Ok, today was a… good day, strange day, exciting day... I am sure that those of you reading this know that I am a man of faith and so if there are some things I talk about that seem religious or weird, it’s ok, keep reading and believe that I truly have your and my best interest in mind. Today I started walking in the spiritual warfare that I knew would be coming. My eyes are being opened to the spiritual side of the addiction that I am facing. This morning, during my morning walk I had a spiritual encounter. It was powerful and not positive. I knew at that moment I was walking into a spiritual fight. At that same time Lisa was in the room starting to get ready for work and suddenly felt the need to pray. Last night our good friend Marlena had a spiritual vision of this encounter and was praying for me. Tonight during the home group meeting Lisa and I go to, Eileen told me that she felt to pray specifically today. Ok, way too much coincidence to be a coincidence, something’s going on here. It is interesting that the day after I post a scripture about the aspect of spiritual warfare it starts. In the Bible there are many stories of battles. In a few of those stories God won the battle for the army without them even having to go out to the battle field. But, in most of those battles, even when God said that the army would win, they still had to go out on the battle field and fight. God has given me a promise through His word that I would not be ruled by the addiction of food. But I am still going to have to get out on the battle field. The battle for my mind, which I talked about last night, that battle is raging. I have to take every thought captive and make it obedient to the Word of God. I have been doing that all day and I will be doing that for a lot of days to come. Today, I started facing the battle of impulsiveness. Much of my food habit comes from impulsive behavior. I think it, I want it, I get, just like that. That has to change. I am doing a fast called by my doctor, it is a medical fast. During this fast the doctor is going to go in me and change my insides, my digestive system. I need this fast to be a spiritual fast so that the Holy Spirit can going in me and change what the doctor can’t touch, my mental and spiritual capacity and thought process. And so that is what this is all about, that is why this is a spiritual fast as well as a medical fast. And so I will continue to wield the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. Hebrews 4:12 and 13 “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” I think that scripture speaks for itself.

Thoughts of Food

I was driving to the Washington State Criminal Justice Training Commission where I was going to be teaching a class to the Correctional Officers Academy and guess what I found myself thinking about? If you said food, you’re right on. I haven’t eaten anything but protein drinks, chicken broth, sugar free Jell-o, and water in 8 days and I am driving along thinking about what I am going to eat for dinner. What??? It was really weird. I was literally thinking about eating dinner and then I realized just how often and much I think about food. It’s all the time and I didn’t realize it until today, well, became aware of it and wow, it’s a lot. This is one of the behaviors that I am praying will be broken. I don’t want to be ruled by food and yet I am. I am so overwhelmed by the support I have received by those of you reading my blog, thank you. I want you to know that I could not do this without you. Dan and Malinda shared this verse with me. Matthew 4:4 Jesus answered, "It is written: "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." This is what I want and I know that the only way my mind will be changed is by the Word of God. So no more thinking of food, 2 Corinthians 10:4 and 5 ”The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
For those of you who are believers, when you say a prayer for me today, would you be bold enough to write it for me and either put it up as a comment or e-mail it to me. And then stop for a moment and write whatever comes to your heart. If you have a scripture that gets you through the tough times, I would love to hear it. You see your faith, together with my faith, together with the word of God will break not only the strongholds in my life, but whatever they may be in your life as well. To God be all the glory, honor, and praise!

Defeating the Addiction to Food

Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, risky behaviors, nicotine, caffeine, or food, yes you can be addicted to food but I will explain that in a minute. Any addiction can be broken, sometimes it takes some real psychological work with a professional, some people have even done it on their own, but no matter what an addiction can only be broken by the changing of your mind. We don’t see food as an addiction, some people don’t struggle with it but I am seeing more and more that for me, food is an addiction. How do know you’re addicted? Cravings, withdrawals, behavioral changes, being controlled by the substance of the addiction. Look at your behaviors as I look at mine. Cravings. Absolutely, I craved Jack in the Box, Spicy Chicken Sandwich, 2 Tacos and a small Coke, and hey why not add in a large Spicy Bites. Did I need that? No, did I want that? YES, so I would go get it. Lunch time, dinner time, sometimes, but rarely. Cravings do not wait for the “appropriate” time. Withdrawals. Let me ask, “Lisa, do I get cranky when I am hungry?” “YES” she says, “you get unreasonably mean.” Anyone have questions about that? Behavioral changes. I have to buy new shirts and pants because my clothes are getting two small. “What, I have sleep apnea?” “Diabetes….” Yep, High blood pleasure, heart disease… I could go on. Control. Yes, a nibble here, a nibble there. I might get busy tonight and not get a chance to eat at dinner time so I had better stop at Taco Time. A Fish Taco and a Crispy Chicken Barito. Did I mention that the Fish Taco meal comes with Mexi Fries and a Coke? Of course I had time for dinner tonight and I don’t want anyone to think I was eating out so I would have to eat at dinner time too. Did I mention that there is a lot of secretive behavior with addiction? Well, there it was. Rationalization, “I will do this just this once”, “I already blew it today so it doesn’t matter if I blow it again.” Or my favorite, “I will start eating right on Monday”.
It says in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 13. "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both.” So what does that mean? Well, there is nothing wrong with eating food, it is permissible but no always beneficial. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food.” I truly believe that the Bible is speaking directly to the addiction to food. Paul says, “I will not be mastered”, he says that God will destroy the addiction. This 36 day liquid diet is so much more than a diet. It is a God called, Holy Spirit directed fast so that God can destroy the addiction in me.

Week 1

I weighed myself Tuesday morning last week at 379, this morning, 1 week later, 363. I have lost 16 pounds!!!!

Breaking Habits

This is certainly a learning process! It order to be successful I have to change how I think about food, totally change. One of my bad habits that brought me to this point was the eating at night while watching TV. We are talking 10 to 12 o'clock at night, late. Last night I was watching TV, 10 PM and I decided to finish off the bowl of sugar free Jell-o. I am allowed sugar free Jell-o, my rational was “I can eat it”, so I did. One of the things that I am trying to accomplish in the next 5 weeks is breaking these bad habits. Eating because I want to, when I want to, whatever I want to. I was eating late night just because. As Lisa and I talked she said you can’t break a habit by changing the contents of the habit. I still ate late, bad habit, but I had replaced the contents of the habit and rationalized that it was ok. It is not. A bad habit has to be reframed in my mind, so, no eating late at night, period. I can do it!!!
I gained a half of a pound. Why? We think it is the amount of sodium I used in the chicken broth I ate, sodium makes you retain water and I unknowingly used a lot. I am not discouraged, I am encouraged because I am learning.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

I was walking through Safeway today with Lisa, we had some shopping to do. The middle isle end cape holds the candy bars and right there, eye level was my favorite, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I looked at those wonderful orange packages and it made me reflect on the change I am making in my life. Just a week or so ago I would have not thought twice about getting a package of them, the King Size of course, and enjoying them before I got home. I am seeing more and more how my desire has ruled my life and brought me to this place. Walking past that candy stand actually gave me the feeling of empowerment I didn’t have to take a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. It has never been about need, it is about want. I don’t have to “want” food. I need food just like we all do but we don’t have to want food. Thank you Lord for Your freedom!!!

Saturday Night

I want fast food. I am not hungry but I really just WANT to go eat fast food. As of this writing I did not give in. Lisa goes to Northwest Open Doors for church on Saturday night, Shayne and Ashley ordered pizza and there it sat on the counter, man I wanted to take a bit. I didn't. Sure I am proud of myself and I know that this is a battle I will have to fight and i can do it! I can't wait to see what the scale will say tomorrow morning.

Journey to Freedom

I started my liquid diet on Tuesday Jan. 20th. My surgery is Feb. 3rd. For two weeks all I can have is clear liquids, protein shakes and sugar free jell-o. My starting weight, 391. Here is how the week has gone. Monday night the 19th, I went out to dinner with my great friend Tim, my "Last Super". I had shrimp, an 18 oz steak, a baked potato with as much butter, chives and bacon bits i could get on it. I washed it all done with two large beers and finished with an apple crisp and ice cream. I did this all on purpose, I know it would be my last BIG meal and I was going to enjoy every bit of it. I did. It has almost been a week and I have lost 13 pounds. It has been a challenge but I am drinking a ton of water, having my 2 protein drinks and jell-o. I walk every morning and go to the gym in the afternoon. Friday night when I was working out I started smelling BBQ. It was like someone was cooking a steak right there in the gym, it was intoxicating. It got worse, when I got into my car the BBQ followed, all the way home, into the garage and kitchen. It was hard!